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ASP News, Denver – Pundits, anchors, and other members of the media waited in eager anticipation for the first speech candidate Pepsi would give after accepting his party’s nomination for President of the United Sodas of America.

Pepsi, marketed as the Choice of a New Generation, has enjoyed wide appeal in the media. “The first time I tried Pepsi, a shiver ran up my leg,” said Chris Matthews, a short-tempered and short man who we assume has a TV show somewhere. “That shiver continues to this day.”

Pollsters are convinced that Pepsi will win the election despite the fact that those they poll do not agree. “We alter the polls consistently, changing the questions here and there, and eventually they get the right numbers,” said one anonymous pollster who wished to remain anonymous because he was spineless.

After months of speculation, Pepsi announced Dr Pepper as his running mate. Dr Pepper ran against Pepsi earlier in the race, denouncing Pepsi as a radical leftist who was too blue. It had widely been assumed that Mr. Pibb would get the nod after her close race with Pepsi.

“After looking over the details,” Pepsi said, “we decided to go with the purple-ish can of prune juice. Dr Pepper’s experience is evident by the ‘Dr’ sans period at the front of his name. Mr. Pibb just couldn’t compete with that. Even though her husband, Mrs. Pibb, was a successful president if you can ignore his record.”

The Pibbs were unavailable for comment.

ASP News, St. Paul – SHOCK!

That is the only word that can describe the scene here in the Xcel Energy Center as Coke Classic, an aged formula long popular with nursing home residents and prescription drug addicts, announced his choice for running mate: Mountain Dew.

“I never saw that one coming,” said Anderson Cooper, who never saw it coming. “Every indicator pointed to Coke Zero topping the short list. Instead, Coke Classic picked someone who is completely GREEN! Mountain Dew has no experience whatsoever. In fact, only drunk co-eds like Mountain Dew, and only then because of her looks.”

Diet Coke had spent months campaigning for the candidate’s coveted VP slot. “This is a complete sell out,” said the junior diet soda from Georgia. “They say it’s not easy being green. Well, it’s about to get a lot tougher.” Diet Coke is now said to be stumping for Pepsi.

The media, working in conjunction with Pepsi’s campaign, has promised to vet Mountain Dew’s credentials. Already, however, it looks like a lost cause for Coke Classic. “Have you ever opened a can of Mountain Dew?” one Pepsi spokesman said. “It looks like a can of urine. What does it say about Coke Classic’s judgment if his pick looks like human waste?”

Sprite, and other women’s rights groups, have denounced Mountain Dew over her views on abortion. “Mountain Dew totally should have aborted that Code Red crap. The only thing we have in common is carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup” said Sprite. “That’s not enough to make me vote for a sell-out.”

ASP News, Someone’s Basement – In other news, 7-Up has announced Ale-8-1 as his running mate. 7-Up, running on the environmentalist green ticket, so far only has the backing of Moon Mist Shasta, the former vice president tuned recycling activist who earned fame last year after the success of his film “An Inconvenient Fizz.”

Critics are already questioning Ale-8’s experience, given his limited distribution in and around the state of Kentucky. “We all know that Kentuckians are just a bunch of racist rednecks,” said Dr Pepper. “What do the hicks down there really know anyway?”

ASP News, Washington DC – The presidential campaign took a nasty turn today as Pepsi and Coke Classic both went negative. Pepsi’s negative campaign was witty and refreshing, as Pepsi called Coke classic a “flat” and “undrinkable” beverage.

Coke Classic responded with a vicious character attack, saying Pepsi had been “left out in the car under the hot sun for too long.” When asked if Coke Classic thought the negative tone of the campaign would hurt him, he responded: “He started it.”

Pepsi retorted with “I know you are but what am I?”

Meanwhile, 7-Up has asked to attend the first presidential debate, scheduled for next week. So far, no one is paying him any attention.

ASP News, Washington DC – The continual vitriol of the campaign took a turn for the worst as Coke Classic accused Pepsi of ties with the pink can, TaB. TaB, which in 1969 contained the now-banned chemical cyclamate, supposedly launched the career of Pepsi from TaB’s living room, if you believe Coke Classic and the people who were there instead of those of us in the media who don’t want you to focus on this.

Pepsi has fired back that TaB is just some can in the neighborhood and that Pepsi was only eight years old when TaB’s cyclamate was banned by the FDA. Coke Classic countered that while “Pepsi” was only eight years old, “Pepsi-Cola” had been around since 1903, and was originally called “Brad’s Drink” in 1898.

Since we’re the media and we are objective, we will ignore everything about TaB. Instead, an important thing to ponder is the fact that Coke Classic is the real hypocrite here. Coke Classic had an original formula, but now is only pretending to remain true to the original formula having substituted high fructose corn syrup for his original sweetener, cane sugar. Furthermore, Coke is made from processed cocaine leaves. Explain that, Coke Classic!

ASP News, Washington DC – The Red party is becoming increasingly desperate as Coke Classic sags in the polls, down by as much as 7/32 of a percentage point. In an attempt to deflect attention from failed economic policies, Coke Classic has accused Pepsi of fraternizing with COLON. COLON, which stands for “Confused Organization of Liberals for Oligarchy Now” has been active in registering 6.8 trillion people in Los Angeles alone.

“It is obvious that there is voter fraud going on,” said one Coke Classic spokesman.

“What is going on is disenfranchisement,” Pepsi spokesman Diet Coke responded. “Coke Classic doesn’t want your vote to count more than once. He is skewering this election away from the will of illegal aliens, felons, and other up-and-coming Blue candidates. That’s why Coke Classic didn’t pick me—I mean Coke Zero for his running mate. He’s racist against the black can!”

In unrelated news, the Red Party released a YouTube video showing a 1990s Pepsi rally where Pepsi stated: “A colon is not that far behind.” Pundits have supposed the Red Party is going for the irony angle, but as we are objective media personalities we don’t understand it.

ASP NEWS, Toledo – Earlier today, Pepsi made an unscheduled stop in Toledo to talk to random sodas. There he met Grape Soda, who asked him: “Why are you planning on increasing my carbonation?”

Pepsi responded, “I want to spread the carbon around.”

Developing…

ASP NEWS, Toledo – Who is Grape Soda?

That is the question the media will focus on until everyone forgets Pepsi’s poor answer to Grape Soda’s question.

Grape Soda is not who he claims to be. For one thing, his name isn’t really Grape Soda. It’s “Big K Diet Grape Soda.” For another thing, he’s not a real soda. He’s a generic brand. In fact, he only costs $0.70 for two liters! Under Pepsi’s plan, only those sodas which cost more than $2.50 for a two liter bottle would be extra-carbonated.

Further examinations have uncovered the possibility of Grape Soda’s fraudulent portrayal of himself while daring to ask a question Pepsi answered truthfully. Big K Diet Grape Soda had indicated his affiliation with King Soopers while his recently released tax records suggest strong ties with Kroger.

In a press conference yesterday afternoon, Diet Coke commented, “Which is it ‘Grape Soda’? These questions demand an answer – you can’t have it both ways!”

As if that weren’t enough, Sprite also noted, “You can’t spell ‘Grape’ without ‘rape.’”

What does “Grape Soda” know, and when did he know it? Why did Coke Classic plant Grape Soda at an unscheduled Pepsi stop? The media demand answers! We will continue digging until our last latex glove is soiled.

ASP NEWS, Washington DC – The Coke Classic campaign has accused the media of bias due to its kid gloves treatment of Pepsi and its anal examination of Big K Diet Grape Soda, the fake soda who Coke Classic planted to trip up Pepsi.

The media, biased? As if! We aren’t biased if there are no objections to our reporting and after Pepsi gives his acceptance speech on January 20, we will help usher in a new world of fairness via the Fairness Doctrine which guarantees the suppression of views that disagree with us.

It is Coke Classic who is against being fair. That’s just a fact. It’s not biased to report the facts, even if we only report half of them and occasionally retract three quarters of the half we do report. That’s what true, objective journalism is all about.

ASP reporters Travis Johnson and Peter Pike contributed to this report.

Peter Pike is the author of the novel Public Transit available on-line and in many black market stores worldwide. His website it http://www.intellectualist.net/.

Johnson and Pike are currently collaborating on a screenplay version of Public Transit. So far, they have finished six pages and consumed fourteen gallons of coffee.

If you had asked me even a month ago, I would have told you that I am not voting for president in this election. There are sufficient ballot issues that would have gotten me to the booth, but I’d simply have written in a candidate for the presidential election.

I can stand neither McCain nor Obama. I view both as pompous windbags (that is, “politicians”) who have no one’s interests but their own in mind.

But as Election Day 2008: A Shiver Runs Up My Leg® draws nearer, it becomes more and more obvious that this election has important implications well beyond simply deciding the next president. And I don’t mean the Supreme Court or legislation passed in Congress either. America is big enough that it will be quite difficult for any radical changes in the next four years, although it is of course possible that it would be a necessary first step toward that radical change in, say, 20 years or so.

What I am referring to is the rampant fraud, the illogical ranting, and the obvious bias of the media’s reports. This election has torn open the cesspool that is Washington politics. It has exposed the rot that’s been beneath the surface for years in the form of ACORN. It has shown us the fallacy of trusting in a system that one party refuses to allow to be examined.

We have seen that if you ask The Chosen One a question that he accidentally answers truthfully, the media will ruin you. We now know more about Joe the Plummer’s taxes than we do about Obamessiah’s connection to William Ayers. We will see supposedly erudite philosophers defend this attack, despite the fact that Joe is not running for office, Obama approached him, and it is Obama’s ANSWER that is problematic. Any attack on Joe is an obvious ad hominem, and in fact is the definition of the “Politics of Personal Destruction” but nevertheless it is justifiable to destroy Joe because Obama forgot to lie.

We have seen that voter irregularities don’t matter if they are irregular to the benefit of the Chosen One. We have seen that people who whine about voter suppression couldn’t care less that a certain group is registering the same person dozens of times. What’s the big deal? We all know who ACORN voters trend toward (ein Politiker der Höpenchange), so this is really a good thing. America must be saved from itself.

In fact, we’re told that voting registration irregularities don’t translate into actual voting irregularities. Despite the fact that they do. And have. Indeed, the GOP has been in the unusual position of defending none other than Hillary Clinton in New Mexico because they’ve found the ACORN voting irregularities translated into votes for Obama in the Democratic primary.

But the mainstream media doesn’t want to investigate anything that could possible harm The One. Unfortunately (for Neo, anyway), they’re not the only game in town. The bloggers are doing the job the MSM can’t be bothered with. Which is okay for the MSM since they can claim: “It’s just in the blogs and not in any serious publication.” (Forget for a moment that Monica Lewinsky was broken by Drudge, the first real blogger; that the Dan Rather bogus Bush/National Guard story was cracked by bloggers who took all of fifteen minutes to type up the forged letters in Microsoft Word to determine they were identical to Word’s format. Throw that in the Memory Hole and trust the Media. We Know What’s Best For You™)

From biased “moderators” of debates to the New York Times whitewashing (RACIST OVERTONES ALERT®) Obamessiah’s record, the media has proven itself to be the most vacuous institution on Earth. Given the overall hatred of President Bush and Congress, my own instinctive feeling is that if we polled the average person about their approval of the media, the media would score a single-digit percentage. This is probably why that poll is never done.

Democrat supporters and the media (but I repeat myself) have ruined elections in America forever through their tactics. And therefore, despite the fact that I still despise John McCain, I will be voting for him on November 4 if for no other reason than because the media tells me I shouldn’t and I’m fed up with them. If the media takes time to stop crucifying plumbers, they just might discover the extent to which they are held in contempt. In fact, they might realize they just earned McCain another vote that would have gone to Khan from Star Trek II instead.

Then again, I’m an obvious closet McCain supporter , so what can you believe?

Question not the Chosen One.

If you question Obamessiah, the media will ruin you.

We now know more about Samuel J. Wurzelbacher than we do about The Great One.

Democrats on Sunday had denounced Palin’s charge and warned that it would trigger reexaminations of McCain’s past. McCain “does not want to play guilt-by-association, or this thing could blow up in his face,” Democratic strategist Paul Begala had warned Sunday.

Source.

Maybe it’s just me, but when the basis of this is due to the guy who was in the Weather Underground, that did such things as, you know, blow up a police station, Begala would probably do better to, you know, AVOID the bomb references…

Oh wait. He’s a Democratic [sic] strategist. Of course he doesn’t know any better.

I’ve mentioned this to a couple of people I work with, but regardless of who wins the presidential election this year, there is going to be one clear loser. The media.

That’s right. Our “objective” media is proving beyond all doubt that objectivity is a myth. More accurately, for them objectivity means “agreeing with the New York Times” which the rest of America knows is a crock.

I do find it funny how one little governor from a state that no one in Washington could find (you know, cuz those wonky maps show it off the coast of Mexico, southwest of Los Angeles, sorta near Hawaii, BUT THIS IS A TRICK because it’s really east of Cleveland) has these people in such a tizzy. If I didn’t despise McCain so much, this election season could actually be fun.

Oh well.

So this weekend I woke up at 5:30 in the morning. Why? Because it was 12 degrees inside my room.

I exaggerate only slightly. August is supposed to be one of our hottest months, but we’ve had rain for three straight days and temperatures haven’t even cracked 80 for so long only one word can describe this:

DOOM!

We’re doomed!

The world is going to freeze!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

On the radio this morning, the DJs were talking about how McDonalds was planning on removing the double cheeseburger from its dollar menu. This led to discussion of the increase in prices in general, and the DJs concluded that it was due to the cost of gas.

It is unfortunate that gas prices have increased recently, because it masks the real reason. Before giving the real reason, consider this. One of the DJs said (paraphrased, of course): “You gotta think that the profit for a double cheeseburger is like 80%.”

I think we can go with this for the moment, because if you consider just the cost of the beef and the hamburger buns and the cheese, it’s not that expensive. But just like when you pay $1.99 for a large drink you’re not really paying for the beverage, when you pay for your hamburger you’re not really paying for the burger either. What you’re paying for is the labor costs for the workers to make your food and to give you your drinks. The costs you pay don’t go much toward the actual cost of the materials, in other words; it’s almost all labor costs.

So, given that, let’s use some common sense.

What are most McDonald’s employes paid?

Answer: minimum wage.

What just increased?

Answer: minimum wage.

You wanna know why the dollar menu might be gone?

Answer: minimum wage.

This has a much larger impact on the cost of food (and everything else) than does $4.00 gasoline.

I wonder who would have predicted this?

The truth behind the Global Warming scam shines forth yet again!

[California] Attorney General Jerry Brown on Tuesday said he will sue to block a proposed water-bottling operation in Northern California unless its effects on global warming are evaluated.

…

Brown said the company must put its revisions into a new contract with the town of McCloud. He wants proper study of the environmental consequences of the bottling operation, saying the previous draft review had “serious deficiencies.”

He said it failed to include an examination of whether the operation will contribute to global warming through the production of plastic bottles, the operation’s electrical demands and the diesel soot and greenhouse gas emissions produced by trucks traveling to and from the plant.

“It takes massive quantities of oil to produce plastic water bottles and to ship them in diesel trucks across the United States,” Brown said in a statement. “Nestle will face swift legal challenge if it does not fully evaluate the environmental impact of diverting millions of gallons of spring water from the McCloud River into billions of plastic water bottles.”

A blind man could have seen this one coming. The Global Warming scam is just a lawyer trick. Note that once the myth of fuel emissions causing Global Warming becomes legal precedence, every company on Earth will face the same lawsuits. You want to drink a Coke? Guess what! Those are bottled elsewhere and driven by a truck to your supermarket. And then you drive to the market to buy it. (And what do you do with the plastic bottle when you’re done? You, my friend, are part of the problem too!)

But don’t worry. After you’re sued out of your house, you can’t even live in a cave in the ground–who knows what pollutants you’ll be putting into the groundwater supply? And besides, you’re a threat to the brown bears that want to sleep in the same cave.

My first thought reading this article is that there are very few people in America today who know what the First Amendment is. Ignore all the other rights that the First Amendment protects (you know, like that pesky religious stuff), it still says Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of the press. So if your Internet Domain Provider imposes rules, guess what? They ain’t Congress!

The second thought that the article hit me with was the fact that our culture is so fixated on “the next big thing” that they pretty much ignore everything and flock toward “the big stuff.” You have superstars everywhere, and if you’re not a superstar you’re no one. So if you get kicked off MySpace, in the words of the article: “in a lot of ways you don’t exist.” Yeah, I’m not making that quote up. If you get immaterially booted from an immaterial forum you no longer exist. Descartes might have something to say about that, but since when do we care about dead Frenchmen?

Anyway, it is somewhat symptomatic and it’s not just the internet. I’m a writer, and just go into your local bookstore. What do you see? You see “the bigs” up front. Shelf after shelf of the same ten authors. Then, waaaaaaaaay in the back, you find a shelf dedicated to the other fifteen trillion books that have been written. So it’s not just the net, it’s the herd mentality of our culture. You just get a critical mass and go with it. Everyone follows because thinking for yourself is too difficult.

(Now those who are in the know already know what this post is doing. It’s going after the disenfranchised voice, which has its own critical mass. Yes, diabolical wonders never cease. What would we do without marketers to sell us all the crap we don’t want at prices we can’t afford just so we can keep up with the Joneses?)

Anyway, there is a solution for it all. You can simply buy my books and I’ll go away. Learn to distrust popular appeal. Oh wait. That is popular appeal.

We’re all doomed. Somehow I’m sure Bush is to blame.

In Japan, everyone got to play Snow White because parents “[forced] the school to admit to the injustice of selecting just one girl to play the title role.”

I wish I was making that up. And frankly I’m surprised that hasn’t happened here in America yet. But the fact is, reality is real. Not everyone is “the best” and not everyone deserves the “title role.” In fact, if there is only a title role, you’ve got a monologue. Pretty pointless.

So we have a generation of kids who are never allowed to lose. Not even in video games (cheat codes, anyone?). They go through life never having experienced the pain of coming up short.

As a result, they’re deluded into thinking that the world owes them. Then reality sets in. Usually in the form of their first boss who fires them because (surprise, surprise) they’re losers!