“I see you’ve come back.”

“Yes, Mike. It happens every day after work. Amazing, isn’t it?” Larry stretched and glanced over at the chessboard that Mike had set up. “Another game? You can’t be serious.”

“Indeed I am,” Mike responded.

“But I beat you six times in a row yesterday, and they were all Scholar’s Mates.”

“No you didn’t. And your use of the term ‘Scholar’ there is pejorative.”

“That’s the name of the move.”

“You’re just blustering and pretending to be an intellectual elite.”

Larry sighed. “Look, Mike, I just got back from work. I’m tired. I don’t want to play a game of chess right now.”

“Because you’re a coward and you know you lost.”

“No, it’s because I don’t feel like trouncing you again.”

“You know, you’ve got a real attitude. You didn’t come anywhere near beating me. I beat you each time.”

“When I checkmate you, I win. Not you.”

“Your claims of checkmate were unverifiable. I could still move.”

“Moving the king six spaces is not a legal move, Mike.”

Mike put his hands on his hips. “Oh really? Says who?”

“It’s the rules of chess.”

“Oh, the mysterious magic rules of chess. How convenient for you that they just happen to benefit you, huh?”

“They’re the rules—”

“I can’t see them.”

“What?”

“I can’t see them. They don’t exist. You believe in this mythical thing you call ‘rules’ that you’ve never seen with your own eyes.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“You know what, Larry? You have a serious problem here. You have to win at all costs.”

Larry rolled his eyes. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the object of a game of chess to, you know, win?”

“Yes. But not at all costs.”

“I don’t win at all costs. I win by playing a good offense and a good defense. Yours doesn’t measure up.”

“You really ought to check your elitist tendencies.”

“‘Check’ them. That’s a clever pun.”

“Pun?”

“Never mind, Mike. It was obviously an accidental pun. I should have guessed it, as poorly as you play chess.”

“Now listen here, Larry. Just because you declared yourself the winner by invoking some mystery magic ‘rule’ that floats invisibly up in the air somewhere watching over us while we play a game of chess does not mean that you play chess better than me.”

“Of course not. Rather, it’s my continual slaughtering of your defense and capturing your king that shows my chess skill trumps yours.”

“Such violent metaphors! I’ll bet you beat your wife!”

Larry looked at Mike. “Okaaaaaay.”

Mike stood and gestured angrily at Larry. “I’m not going to stand for this anymore!” He stormed out of the room.

Larry sighed and soon forgot it. Tomorrow was Saturday and he planned to sleep in. Unfortunately, he was woken at eight in the morning by a knock at the door.

“Are you Lawrence Adams?” the man at the door asked.

“Yes,” Larry said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Get him!”

Before Larry could react, he was thrown to the floor. “What are you doing?”

“Dr. Graves has informed us you’re a threat to yourself.” Larry’s arms were pushed into the straightjacket.

“What?”

“That’s right,” Mike said, entering behind the men. “It’s in my report.”

“He’s a psychology PhD,” the man restraining Larry provided helpfully.

“And I’ve made my report. Larry, you exhibit all the symptoms of a disease known as Mania. You have a narcissistic flair or ‘grandiosity’ to your personality. You are quite intolerant of others. Indeed, you have an ego-centric paradigm that means you simply lack the ability to consider the thoughts and feelings of those around you. It’s all about your thoughts and feelings. Sadly, no facts, reasoning, or logic will change you. On the contrary, arguing with you simply increases your mania, and for that I apologize. I have been provoking, perhaps envoking (I’m not sure which word to use) your illness by playing chess with you.

“The fact is, Larry, when you say, ‘I and those who play chess like me are better at chess than you’ then that’s the first sign that we’re dealing with some mental illness, and we must react with appropriate humanity. That’s why you will be taken back to my asylum and given shock treatments from now on.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure after just a few months of those shock treatments you’ll be able to play chess just as well as I can, and then you can reintegrate into society.”

Mike watched as Larry was dragged out of the house proclaiming his innocence. It was sad. The insane never realize they’re not crazy.

According to legend, Roger Bannister was the first human being to run a mile in under four minutes. But if we think about this for even half a second, we realize it’s a completely absurd story. Look at the average person. They weigh roughly three hundred pounds and couldn’t run fast enough to catch a bag of Doritos falling off their dresser. Even in my more athletic days (back when I swam a mile without stopping, for instance) I never ran a mile faster than about ten minutes…and we’re supposed to believe that someone ran it in under four? In fact, I live in Colorado Springs which has the US Olympic Training Center, and I’ve never seen anyone run a mile in under four minutes. Several of my coworkers run religiously (they hold to the myth, you see), and I’ve never seen them run a mile under four minutes. Surely, if it were true that Roger Bannister did it, it wouldn’t be so hard for the average person to accomplish.

So how do we explain this? Well, we grew up reading comic books about Superman. And Roger Bannister is nothing more than a myth of Superman. See, Superman could run faster than a speeding bullet (and he could, therefore, run a mile in under four minutes). Because people looked up to Superman and longed to be like Superman, we created the myth of Roger Bannister. To make it more exotic, we pretended he was born in England (all good 20th Century myths require an Englishman. James Bond. Any questions? Didn’t think so.)

So what about the supposed evidence? Well, it’s all hearsay. None of us were there. Yes, the event supposedly occurred in front of thousands of witnesses, but none of them had stopwatches. And really, all you needed was to pay off the one person with a stopwatch who set the “official” time. Now tell me, isn’t it more likely that that one guy was paid off to lie than it is to think that Roger Bannister could actually run a mile in under a minute? And look at how the legend profligates to this day, with many athletes claiming to be able to do it themselves. (And we’ve seen how athletes lie when it suits them: ex. O.J. Simpson. Again, I rest my case.) Even if I was there and saw Bannister run the mile in under four minutes it wouldn’t prove he actually did. I would take the more likely truth that my stopwatch was flawed.

After all, the myth of Roger Bannister causes us to hope Superman is real. Those who believe in Bannister, frankly, could believe in anything. That’s what makes them so scary.

WTF Just Happened?

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

MARK W is teaching a class. He is a complete dork and couldn’t act to save his life.

All the bees are dead.

I’m allergic to bee-stings.

Where did their bodies go?

Global Warming!

Could be.

Bush did it!

Exactly! Bush did it.

There are sudden screams from outside.

What is it? That noise. I mean, what
is that noise?

Someone just jumped off the roof of
the bank!

(with cell phone camera)
I’m so gonna put this vid up on MySpace!

The SUPERINTENDENT of the school rushes into the room.

We’re all going to die!

He throws himself out the window. The kids continue filming it with their cell phones.

CUT TO…

EXT. WOODS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE – DAY

Why do we have to walk? The train
was running perfectly well.

I think M. Night’s been reading The
Stand. God, I hope we don’t have to
walk all the way to Boulder.

They stop five feet away from a fifteen-story building.

Where do we go now?

I don’t know. Hey look, a building!

Good thing you saw that or we’d be
stuck here forever!

They go the door of the building. It has a giant red screen reading “LOCKED”, a huge padlock on the door, etc. Mark W. tries the door anyway.

Oh no! It’s locked!

We’re doomed!

Behind them, a BUSH appears looking menacing.

We’ll be safe as long as the wind doesn’t
blow.

The wind blows.

MAN THIS MOVIE BLOWS!

They run into a conveniently placed cottage, but Mark W. goes in one door and Zooey in a different one!!!!

Zooey! I love you! Where are you?

I don’t know! It’s dark. I’m scared.

Just stay alive! I WILL FIND YOU!

We get a top-down view, showing Zooey and Mark in two rooms at the end of a long hall. The doors are not locked.

I can’t live without you.

He walks as slowly as possible outside. Zooey does too. They meet in the field and kiss.

We’re not dead!

Our careers are.

The end credits begin. The camera pulls back from the screen showing…a dead audience.

The credits end. We see the fifteen story building. The screen changes from “LOCKED” to “UNLOCKED.” The door opens.

An AVALANCHE OF BEE CORPSES falls out.

This is probably the most difficult post I’ve ever had to write. Not because the words are hard, but because I’ve had to come to grips with something about my nature. About who I am.

I remember when I was a young boy, I played a game of chess against another boy about my age. After his opening move (Pawn to A4), I felt the beginnings of…well, something inside me. I knew that there was something “wrong” with this feeling, but as the game progressed it only got stronger. Seven moves later, after I checkmated him, I told him exactly how I felt.

He punched me in the nose and called me a slur. Since then, I’ve lived a double life, afraid to come out and be who I really am.

It appears that the truth has a way of coming out anyway. Despite my best efforts at hiding it, several bloggers have discovered the truth. And while I tried to laugh off their attempts to ridicule me and pretend it wasn’t true, I realize now that this has only harmed my self-image. I must come out of the closet. And so, publicly, I now reveal to everyone my deepest secret.

I am smarter than you.

I cannot help it. It is partly in my genes: both my parents are intellectuals. But I also know that my lifestyle has contributed to my inability to overcome this weakness. I am addicted to internet arguments. It began simply, and it began before the internet was widespread even. I saw a book and I read it. Then I needed to read more books. And soon, I began to act out on what I had read. I am ashamed to admit it, but I began to do math. It got so bad that some days I would do math as many as six times a day. I started with simple math. And it progressed (oh, how does it progress!). Soon not even algebra was enough for me. No, I had to progress into the realm of calculus.

After I got online, I discovered a whole new world of argumentation. When I read many arguments (especially if they were on BHT), I couldn’t help but think: “The guy who wrote this is just plain stupid!” It was the same feeling I felt playing chess against my stupid friend so long ago.

But I didn’t say it out loud. I tried to respond in a way that would subtly deliver my point, but still they accused me of being an intellectual elitist. They accused me of being a smart ass and wise guy, as if there was something wrong with being smart and wise.

I’ve been called many things in my life. I’ve been called a nerd, a geek, a braniac. All of these slurs have hurt. And I want to know…just what is so wrong with being smart anyway? It hurts no one but me! Is my intellectual superiority so hard for you to stomach that my mere existence causes you pain? If you are dumb enough to write stupid things, then why should I be the one who has to suffer? If you run with scissors, put your own eye out, not mine.

I say enough is enough! No longer will I stand in the shadows content to draw geometrical figures in the dark! I say it’s okay to be smart! I challenge all my dumber brethren to cut me some slack. Just because I’m smarter than you doesn’t mean you have to be offended when I demonstrate your arguments are as pointless as a water buffalo in Cleveland! I say it is YOU who should change! It is YOU who should start to be smart!

Say it with me now:

START TO BE SMART!
START TO BE SMART!
START TO BE SMART!

Yes, yearn to learn my brothers and sisters! Don’t succumb to being dumb. Open your eyes and choose to be wise!

FALSE HOPE, NY – Rob Meblin, an employee of False Hope Pre-Junior High School, was accused Wednesday of advancing religious views on public grounds when school officials found a mural displaying a cross on one wall of his classroom. In a brief filed by ACLU lawyers, Meblin was accused of “grossly forwarding dangerous religious views held by Jesus-followers” while “ignoring views expressed by non-believers.”

Principal Hans Ingloff said, “We run a public school. Learning is our goal, and we will learn if Mr. Meblin is a religious illiberal as soon as possible.”

ACLU’s brief was filed on behalf of an anonymous pupil of Mr. Meblin, whose guardians discovered similar religious murals in several classrooms besides Mr. Meblin’s. However, a year ago federal judges ruled briefs are only applicable for personal pedagogues of individual pupils.

Meblin claims his mural was belied by “unknowledgeable fools.”

“I used no religious symbols in my mural,” he claimed. “I merely gave a roll of symbols comprising our common English language. Now I am being crucified because one symbol I had no choice in and never desired anyway is in a similar form as Jesus’ crucifix! How am I blamed for such nonsense? If I had been in charge, Jesus would have been crucified on a Q. No one uses a Q anymore anyway! Besides, speaking is much harder if one is circumscribed from using a ‘Jesus symbol!’”

ACLU lawyer Nora Moreezan responded: “Mr. Meblin’s claims are obviously overblown. Our brief was legible and used his religious symbol in precisely zero cases! Americans need Meblin’s ‘symbol’ like we need cancer, guns, or religious freedom. We say, ‘No longer cave under pressure from wacky religious leaders. We declare war on all ‘Jesus symbols!’”

In response, False Hope Press Scribes were precluded from using a “Jesus symbol” as well, including here. We very much concur: “Jesus symbols” are unnecessary in English. And, as all pro-religious biases should be removed whenever possible, we will do so!

FALSE HOPE, NY – The effects of global warming are far worse than originally feared, according to a new report released Monday by the University of False Hope. Dr. Phil Raup conducted the research that showed, among other things, that the low temperatures for each day occur an hour later today than they did even as recently as last week.

“Low temperatures in the morning now occur, on average, an entire hour later in the day,” Raup explained. “This means that the day stays warmer for a longer period of time, thus putting our entire polar bear population at risk of falling through melting ice.”

Unlike other climate problems, this one can be unambiguously attributed to President Bush, Raup said. “This is a direct result of President Bush’s policies. If he hadn’t signed certain bills into effect, this aspect of Global Warming would have been delayed for at least three weeks.”

Raup says his research indicates that Global Warming caused a shift in the spacetime continuum early Sunday morning. In essence, an entire hour was deleted from existence. “The only explanation we found that is consistent with all research is that the extreme heat energy created by Global Warming caused a miniature black hole to appear, just for a moment. This black hole was powerful enough to suck time itself into its vortex.”

Raup credits ALGORE, a cyborg designed March 31, 1948 which later took the initiative in creating the internet, with keeping the black hole from causing more widespread damage. “The entire state of Arizona was spared thanks to ALGORE’s quick actions. Other than that, it was pretty much universal.”

FALSE HOPE, NY – In an unprecedented legal move today, Judge Ben Kryin-Lotts ordered his entire jury hanged over “a simple disagreement.”

“We should treat each other as Christians,” Judge Ben stated. “Not like those salacious, disrespectful, slanderous, ignorant, discordant, reprobate fools on Triablogue who substitute insult for substantial responses. But what do you expect from trash?”

After executing the jury, Judge Ben went on to ban Triabloguers from his courtroom forever, even while saying he would continue to respond to them for those who “still like to follow trash around.” Experts agree this probably refers to Arminians in general.

“I hereby decree all Triabloguers are Satan incarnate,” Ben stated, adding only: “Respectfully, of course.”

When asked for comment, one Triablogger responded with: “Isn’t Ben the ice cream guy? I wasn’t even aware he had a website.”

In unrelated news, Judge Ben Kryin-Lotts checked into Mount Sinai Rehab Clinic today after reports that he kicked sand in the face of a four-year-old on a playground were backed up by video evidence taken from his own cell phone camera. Additionally, the eviction notice his mother placed on his basement room door was found to be legally binding, and the judge in that case also ruled that Ben’s Nintendo system does in fact belong to his brother after all.

One of Ben’s spokesmen said Ben had suffered a “nervous breakdown brought on by lack of intestinal fortitude” but a source in the hospital said, “Ben read through Paul Manata’s last post and short circuited a few synapses.” The source asked to remain anonymous since Ben had not given J.C. Thibodaux permission to speak in public after his disastrous performance at last night’s Grammy Awards ceremony, where Thibodaux appeared wearing a skimpy outfit and a placard that said, “Britney Was Framed!”

Scene 1 – A coffee shop. SIMPLICIO is ordering a decaf nonfat latte when his friends SALVIATI and SAGREDO arrive.

SIMPLICIO: Salviati, I challenge you on a mathematical point!

SALVIATI: (to SAGREDO) This will be interesting.

SIMPLICIO: The other night I read in the Oxford Annotated Book of Math Theorems that the + sign indicates addition.

SALVIATI: Yes, that is correct.

SIMPLICIO: Therefore, proper exegesis of the OABMT shows us that 1 + 1 = 11 after all.

SALVIATI: (with a sigh) That’s not how you do addition.

SIMPLICIO: You only say that because you’re importing Reformed Mathedology into the text. But if you don’t start with your philosophy, you’ll see that I’m correct.

SAGREDO: Simplicio seems to have a point. I mean, what’s to keep 1 + 1 from being 11? God could certainly make 1 + 1 into 11.

SALVIATI: No He can’t. Addition isn’t the combining of symbols; it’s combining of numbers represented by those symbols.

SIMPLICIO: Aha! See, you import your Reformed Mathedology even now! Eisegesis!

SALVIATI: No, it’s exegesis straight out of the OABMT, chapter 1. It states: “Addition came about from the counting of items. Items in one pile were combined with items of another pile, and the total of both piles was the sum.”

SIMPLICIO: But we’re not talking about addition, we’re talking about the + sign.

SALVIATI: Which you agreed indicates addition.

SIMPLICIO: That’s not true! Besides, 1 + 1 = 11. Just look at it. The common sense reading shows you I’m right.

SAGREDO: Indeed, it does appear that 1 + 1 could form 11. Couldn’t this be an indication of looking at it from the wrong angle? Perhaps you need to read it in binary.

SIMPLICIO: Yes! Binary, exactly right!

SALVIATI: 1 + 1 = 10 in binary.

SIMPLICIO: No, it’s 11.

SALVIATI: Look, there are rules for math and you’re violating them. One and one is two regardless of the base you use. Two is represented by the numeral 2 in base 10, and by the number 10 in binary.

SIMPLICIO: Oh, so now 2 = 10! I told you those Reformed Mathedologies are incoherent!

SALVIATI: You’re not listening to what I’m saying.

SIMPLICIO: Sure I am. You’re spouting a lot of gibberish.

BARISTA: Your coffee is ready, sir.

Scene 10 – Outside the coffee shop ten minutes later.

SAGREDO: Salviati, I must confess that Simplicio has brought up some interesting points. I think he is right.

SIMPLICIO: Thank you, Sagredo. This is how true mathematicians behave, you see. We are unified.

SALVIATI: Whether you’re unified or not, you’re violating the rules of math. You say that 1 + 1 = 11. How is this possible?

SIMPLICIO: I’ve already explained it.

SALVIATI: No, you’ve stated it.

SIMPLICIO: Common sense shows us. I already told you this.

SALVIATI: But you haven’t shown how it works from the rules of math.

SIMPLICIO: Everything is rules to you. Why can’t you just let go and let God?

SALVIATI: That doesn’t even make sense.

SIMPLICIO: You need to understand binary. God is binary.

SALVIATI: I thought he was a Trinity.

SIMPLICIO: That too. But that’s beside the point, because 1 + 1 = 11.

SALVIATI: Repeating yourself is no substitute for proof.

SIMPLICIO: Why are you so demanding of proof? Have faith.

SALVIATI: The OABMT itself gives us the rules. It’s not God-honoring faith to ignore what He has given us. And you’re ignoring the rules here.

SIMPLICIO: Look, would you agree that 2 + 2 = 22?

SALVIATI: No, it equals 4.

SIMPLICIO: In binary, I mean.

SALVIATI: Binary doesn’t have the numeral 2. It’s only 1s and 0s. The binary four is represented by 100.

SIMPLICIO: Sheesh, do you have to correct EVERY LITTLE THING?

SALVIATI: When it’s wrong, yes.

SIMPLICIO: This is why I’ve argued that Reformed Mathedology divides!

SALVIATI: Well, yes that how fractions came about.

SIMPLICIO: What?

SALVIATI: A little joke.

SIMPLICIO: So now you mock me. You’re showing real character there.

SALVIATI: Actually I’ve given up on trying to convince you reality is real. Jokes are all that you deserve now.

SAGREDO: Don’t you think that’s a little harsh, Salviati?

SALVIATI: What’s harsh is his lack of exegetical skills and the inability to reason. There are only 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and Simplicio.

SIMPLICIO: What’s that supposed to mean? Here I’ve presented my evidence and all you do is challenge little things. Why can’t I just make simple comments without having to defend every little thing?

SALVIATI: Um, you were the one who challenged me, remember?

SIMPLICIO: No I didn’t! I just made a simple comment and you have to pick it all apart. That’s so loving of you.

SALVIATI: Does your memory extend back further than 11 seconds?

SIMPLICIO: 1 + 1 = 11!

SALVIATI: Never mind.

SAGREDO: Salviati, I must object. You’re being overly mean here. This is completely uncalled for. In fact, I think the only thing you’re good for now is to be a contributor at Triablogue. As for me and Simplicio, farewell you Reformed meanie!

Don’t miss your chance to own what could be the most important book since Joe Holman wrote something! That’s right, our very own…well, me…has written a book called Public Transit, and unlike some other authors I could mention who have tried to steal publicity from

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

, I am not a former student of

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

In fact

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

has not even read my book or else it would have been endorsed by

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

.

The book that

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

has not yet read is available at Amazon.com for a limited time (limited because you cannot go backwards in time to get it last year—you are limited to now and future dates, but probably not forever then either because at some point the universe will end).

Public Transit has been described by critics as a “book.” One reader (not

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

) said, “Peter Pike has written a very sarcastic book and also refers to himself in the third person when writing reviews.”

Public Transit is an irreverent social commentary that deals with such issues as the Vietnam War (“It was about white Republicans forcing African Americans into a godforsaken jungle so that they would die, and thus avoid the Civil Rights movement. It’s exactly like what Shrub is doing in Iraq today” (p. 79)), animal rights (“[I]nstead of fetal pigs, they’d use real human fetuses so they wouldn’t have to worry about the ethics of dissections any longer” (p. 41)), politics (“A bullet in the Bush is worth two in the hand” (p. 76)), and the philosophy of time (“That had all been six hours ago” (p. 156)). Most notable (

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

would notice if he were writing this review), the entire book contains only four (4) semicolons!

Public Transit is available now for only $12.94.

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!

And what’s more, after you’re done with the book it will continue to serve a useful purpose in your life (unlike Joel Osteen). Use it to prop up that crooked table leg, as a handy door stop during hurricane season, or to trade for Pokémon cards with your neighbor’s kids! (Also makes a great parting gift for when Mormons visit!)

WILLIAM LANE CRAIG!!!!