FALSE HOPE, NY – The effects of global warming are far worse than originally feared, according to a new report released Monday by the University of False Hope. Dr. Phil Raup conducted the research that showed, among other things, that the low temperatures for each day occur an hour later today than they did even as recently as last week.

“Low temperatures in the morning now occur, on average, an entire hour later in the day,” Raup explained. “This means that the day stays warmer for a longer period of time, thus putting our entire polar bear population at risk of falling through melting ice.”

Unlike other climate problems, this one can be unambiguously attributed to President Bush, Raup said. “This is a direct result of President Bush’s policies. If he hadn’t signed certain bills into effect, this aspect of Global Warming would have been delayed for at least three weeks.”

Raup says his research indicates that Global Warming caused a shift in the spacetime continuum early Sunday morning. In essence, an entire hour was deleted from existence. “The only explanation we found that is consistent with all research is that the extreme heat energy created by Global Warming caused a miniature black hole to appear, just for a moment. This black hole was powerful enough to suck time itself into its vortex.”

Raup credits ALGORE, a cyborg designed March 31, 1948 which later took the initiative in creating the internet, with keeping the black hole from causing more widespread damage. “The entire state of Arizona was spared thanks to ALGORE’s quick actions. Other than that, it was pretty much universal.”