That’s right, today is Valentine’s Day…unless you’re one of those who celebrates National Singles Awareness Day instead! So you can $ellabrate either VD or NSA-Day.

Hmmm…options don’t look so great.

I’ll choose the latter though, since everyone else chooses the former.

So, what does NSA-Day entail? It’s the day that all the single people stay apart from each other (because getting together would defeat the purpose). It’s a wonderful time to take up drinking too. In short, it’s the best holiday (excluding Presidents’ Day) for the clinically insane.

As the originator of NSA-Day, I ought to get an off-book bank account funded by “toilet seats” that cost $15,000, and my own private jet. It’s only fair. And here in America, we (that is, I) want what’s fair (as defined by me). SO FORK IT OVER ALREADY!!!