Despite still being snubbed by the “official” media everywhere on planet Earth, the Internet (which Algore invented, Gaia rest his soul) shows the truth. Sunday I set the traffic record for this website so far this year, and by nine this morning I already was on pace to break that record!

Eat that Rudy Juliannknee!

Unfortunately, the campaign trail is long, hard, and troublesome. This is why I need to commence begging.

Your “gift” of $1, $5, or $10 million will help me win this election. And if it doesn’t, it will fund my recall campaign. And if that doesn’t work, it will help me buy my own island off the coast of Isla Nublar so I can rent Bill Gates’ personal army and invade Washington.

Granted, that will take several donations to accomplish (just paying the lawyers for step 2 will cost more than the net worth of J.K. Rowling and Beckham combined).

But that brings me to my international policy. Did you notice that Rowling and Beckham have both been to California? This can only mean trouble. And if you want a candidate who wants what you want, I can be that person. All it requires is the aforementioned donation of $1, $5, or $10 million.

If you act now, I’ll even throw in a hefty free* gift guaranteed to make you get out and vote for me! What is it? It’s a bust of Hillary!

Also, if you act now, I’ll ensure you a nice spot in my downline, which will guarantee you an income stream of at least $47.85 for the next 27 years**.

Finally, the “NO SPAM” clause on my internet newsletter will let you opt in to “NO SPAM” emails, which will fill your inbox so that there will no longer be room for spam.

Donate today. Your country needs your money.

* The “Free” gift cost $11.95 plus shipping and handling; it “Free” because it is not in jail.

** These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.