FALSE HOPE, NY — Just hours after State Sen. Carl Kruger introduced a bill to ban electronic gadgets in the crosswalk, the False Hope City Council voted to ban all forms of electricity.
“We need to send a message to the young people of today,” said Councilman Seymour Shady. “Right now they have this idea that they have rights to private property. It’s something the city council needs to fix.”
The bill, if passed, would outlaw anything with electronics from entering the city, enforced by periodic EMP charges.
“Devices such as the internet, iPods, cell phones–these are all distractions,” Shady said. “People who are distracted can walk into each other, causing bodily harm. Furthermore, since most of our manholes are missing, it is possible for someone to fall into them, thus ruining the delicate ecosystem of the sewer environment.”
The best results, experts say, is to live like the Amish do. Their care-free lifestyle of churrning butter, milking cows, or sowing wheat are “just what we need to keep gang members from walking out into traffic while listening to rap,” Shady said.
Not all were convinced, however. “This bill is nothing more than a vague attempt to obfuscate the real situation,” said Bill Pounder. “Are we really going to criminalize cell phone users without also penalizing non-users? Not on my watch!”
To compensate for this disparity, Pounder introduced a secondary bill that would make it illegal to breathe within city limits. “It will go along without our anti-smoking campaign,” he said.
Note: Staff reporters did try to get input from the Amish to comply with the spirit of the Fairness Indoctrination, but none of our calls went through.
