CalvinDude.com

Today, in celebration of Valentine’s Day, I went to the dentist. Arkansasnians (that’s probably not spelled right) everywhere are now jealous!

But be that as it may, I discovered a couple things. 1) One of my fillings that señor el dentisto fixed a while back sorta is on a tooth that has a nerve that goes straight to my sinuses, such that every little sinus infection makes my tooth hurt. (I knew it hurt before going to the dentist; now I know why.) And: 2) After they viciously ripped out my wisdom tooth, the molar that was next to it shifted slightly as my gums healed, thus exposing a bit of the nerve root on that tooth.

Both of these combined lead me to believe that John “The W. Stands For William Lane Craig” Loftus is right after all!

There is no God. Because a truly merciful God would not allow me to get cavities just because I don’t brush my teeth. And a truly benevolant God would have given me teflon teeth in the first place. (None of this is to impugn Loftus’s bird-man argument either…just more evidence, ya know.)

So, from this point on, I am a dental atheist. My teeth just cause too much gratuitous pain. Ergo, propter hoc, sum, mea culpa, und keine Eier de femme énorme, tú también; belle noche, сильный как бык.

I rest my case.

With everyone from Osama to Biding tossing their hats into the bull ring to watch them get trampled, I figured…why not join in the fun.

So right now I’m declaring that I, CalvinDude, am running for President of the United States of America. Because, despite the fact that I’m not technically old enough to run yet, I have just as much a shot of winning as Mitt Romney.

Obviously, my first strategy is to develop my lie-level. That is, do I want to run my campaign as a lawyer, a politician, or a lawyer/politician? I choose all three.

Secondly, I need some kind of platform to stand on. I choose a stage, but a soapbox works just as well.

Finally, some principles that I can pretend to hold so you’ll vote for me:

1) I think we should raise taxes like Edwards suggested, but in a far different manner. I propose we have a flat tax of 110%.

2) With that tax rate, we will be able to afford universal health care, not only for people but for plants, animals, and minerals too.

3) As part of my universal healthcare, I propose that not only should all abortions be legalized no matter what, but they should be mandatory. That’s right. No more beating around the bush: everyone has to do it. Including the men.

4) However, abortion isn’t always the answer. I propose we develop an insta-condom that will automatically deploy whenever more than one person gets together in any group, no matter what. (Especially if this group is in a Catholic church.)

5) Also, since a) no one wants to be a teacher and b) those no-ones are having sex with their students all the time, I propose that we legalize teacher/student sexual relations and also make them mandatory. This will cure prison overpopulation and our dwindling supply of teachers at the same time, while also curbing high school drop-out rates.

6) This method will be repeated with the congression page program. See also: White House intern program. In fact, if elected president, it will also be mandatory that every beautiful woman be an intern.

7) Since this might cost money, a flat tax of 115% might be necessary.

8) The war in Iraq is, obviously, important. That is why I am for being against being for and against the war, but I am not necessarily against being for being against and for the war. I am, however, against being for being against being for and against the war if one is subsequently not necessarily against being for being against and for the war.

So, vote early, vote often, and vote mostly for me!

That’s right, today is Valentine’s Day…unless you’re one of those who celebrates National Singles Awareness Day instead! So you can $ellabrate either VD or NSA-Day.

Hmmm…options don’t look so great.

I’ll choose the latter though, since everyone else chooses the former.

So, what does NSA-Day entail? It’s the day that all the single people stay apart from each other (because getting together would defeat the purpose). It’s a wonderful time to take up drinking too. In short, it’s the best holiday (excluding Presidents’ Day) for the clinically insane.

As the originator of NSA-Day, I ought to get an off-book bank account funded by “toilet seats” that cost $15,000, and my own private jet. It’s only fair. And here in America, we (that is, I) want what’s fair (as defined by me). SO FORK IT OVER ALREADY!!!