July 18, 2006 False Hope, NY–A TGE captain was rescued earlier this morning after spending a harrowing night lost at sea. Captain X. B. Leaveher was found suffering from hypothermia, emotional hemophilia, and a martyr complex after he accidentally torpedoed his own submarine.
Leaveher was patroling the seas off the coast of False Hope when he spotted the TAG battleship CalvinDude. According to the decorated TGE captain, he began with his typical opening salvo of Ad-Hom-Anim missiles, but their guidance chips malfunctioned and they fell short of their target.
Leaveher then tried the new InSULT LASER in an attempt to blind the operators of CalvinDude. Leaveher said, “I tried the typical ‘You-didn’t-read-what-I-wrote’ laser. But apparently it just reflected off the shaved skull of the captain of TAG CalvinDude.”
According to witnesses, Leaveher’s laser consisted of a frank message:
“See, I wrote words, you read words, but they didn’t connect upstairs somewhere. I never said experience = reasonable-ness. I said that regarding the existence of things outside of our experience>/b> it is reasonable to be skeptical. I didn’t say that if we experience something or believe we do that experience is reasonable. Do you see the difference? Probably not.”
The TAG CalvinDude responded with the U.R.A.-Hypocrite missile by pointing out that the battleship had already anticipated and thwarted that laser frequency. The TAG CalvinDude then responded with the following high-speed bullets:
* If experience does not equal reasonability, then what was the point of X. B. Leaveher’s argument when he bases reasonability on ”common experience”?
* If experience does not equal reasonability, then how does one determine what is reasonable? It must be something other than experience. And if that is the case, then isn’t it ”reasonable” to be skeptical not only of what we do not experience, but what we do experience too?
* X. B. Leaveher still has not given an actual definition for “rational.”
At this point, realizing his submarine was taking on water at an alarming rate, Captain Leaveher pulled out all the stops and launched his ultimate weapon, the ID10T Torpedo.
“Something went wrong,” Leaveher told reporters after his rescue. “The torpedo went out, did a one-eighty, and came straight back at me!”
According to scientific experts, the ID10T Torpedo worked perfectly. “It went after the closest idiot,” said an official familiar with the investigation, who wished to remain anonymous since he was not authorized to speak to the media.
When asked if the fact that his submarine’s argumental skin was constructed of tinfoil had any bearing on why it sank so fast, Leaveher said, “I’m sure officials are looking into that. We’ve already been experimenting with duct tape arguments. They will probably replace our current tinfoil shells by next summer.”
In the meantime, the TGE Navy is without its most decorated captain until a new ship can be built. When asked what impact that will have on the False Hope military, one anonymous insider reported, “Given the job Captain Leaveher has done so far, we probably won’t even notice his absense.”
