If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you’ve seen that I’ve mentioned my depression. Everyone goes through periods where they feel “blue.” But there really is a distinct difference between depression and just feeling down.
Because not everyone has the same experiences, I’m going to take some time in the coming days to explain just how I feel when I go through my depressive occurances, what the fight is like, and what happens to people as they go through it.
Depression is difficult to talk about, not only because it is so personal to the one going through it, but also because it hurts. Being depressed is being in a constant state of pain–emotional and spiritual pain that sometimes generates physical pain too. Often, my depression comes as a tightened sense in my chest, as if my heart is squeezed in a vice. Other times, my stomach feels queezy.
For me, depression also exhibits itself in my sleep patterns. I have insomnia when I am depressed. Now almost everyone has spent a restless night or two tossing and turning on their bed. But I spent six months not catching more than an hour or two of sleep during the night. It is sad to say that after a few weeks of no sleep, your body gets used to it enough that you can function on autopilot. Your eyes will stop being red from being so blood-shot, although the permanent dark circles that support your eyelids will still give away the fact that you’re not sleeping.
When I have insomnia, it goes like this. I get in bed at ten o’clock. I stare at the clock until midnight. Around 12:30, I close my eyes because I know I have to get up by six or I’ll be late for work. By this time, I already know that I’m going to wake up just as tired as I was when I got in bed because it’s now inevitable. I look at the clock. It’s now 12:32. Two minutes of my life have vanished into the void, and I am still awake.
I close my eyes again and try to sleep. For a moment, everything swirls around and I think for the faintest of moments that I might fall backwards into the arms of a dream. It feels like an hour has passed. I crack my eyes and look at the clock.
It’s now 12:37.
This continues until 5:45 when I just shut off my alarm because I’d rather not hear it. Then, I turn on my radio so I don’t fall asleep again. And only then do I feel tired again. Only then do I long to find the arms of sleep, because now it is too late. So I drag myself out of bed and go forward to face the day instead.
Insomnia is just one aspect of depression that I have gone through. Depression feeds off itself in an ever increasing circle of destruction. Lack of motivation means you don’t do anything, and you feel bad because you don’t do anything, and because you feel bad you don’t feel motivated to do anything else. You don’t sleep so you feel tired, and then you’re too tired to sleep. You don’t want to get up in the morning to go to work because it’s just the endless circle over and over and over again.
Some people say that a spiritual person wouldn’t suffer from depression. I would simply point out some of the Psalms, Ecclesiastes, and Lamentations. For example, we read:
He has made my flesh and my skin waste away; he has broken my bones; he has besieged and enveloped me with bitterness and tribulation; he has made me dwell in darkness like the dead of long ago. He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy; though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer; he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones; he has made my paths crooked. (Lamentations 3:4-9)
But I, O LORD, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O LORD, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. You have caused my beloved and my friends to shun me; my companions have become darkness.(Psalm 88:13-18) (Or, as an alternate reading of the last clause states, “Darkness has become my only companion.”
Again I saw all the oppressions that are done under the sun. And behold, the tears of the oppressed, and they had no one to comfort them! On the side of their oppressions there was power, and there was no one to comfort them. And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive. But better than both is he who has not yet been and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 4:1-3).
There are countless more examples that I could site. But the conclusion is obvious. Spiritual people can feel depressed just as much as a pagan can. The only difference lies in this.
In the midst of depression, no matter how dark it gets, I know that God has not forsaken me. Sometimes I hate Him because of that, but He will never leave me. For that reason, I have hope even when I feel hopeless. I have love when I feel hated. I have a reason to keep going on when others would find a pistol and end it all. Because of God’s strength, I can still live.
It isn’t easy. But no one ever said it would be. And when emotions rise up they tend to overwhelm reason. Even so, intellectual knowledge is sufficient to keep my boat above water just long enough for the grace of God to deliver me.
