Okay, so things don’t always turn out like I expect. Megan, the girl I asked out (as mentioned in a previous blog entry), wasn’t able to make it tonight after all. Instead of hanging out and drinking coffee, I got to ride the bus and walk for a bit from the bus stop. Not too bad, in the end, although not what I had planned.
It often seems that whatever I plan is exactly what is not going to happen. And I know intellectually that God is sovereign and He has a plan for why things happen the way they do. Naturally, I am not yet perfect, and therefore I have a problem incorporating this “head knowledge” into my innermost being. (I will refrain from calling it “heart knowledge” because I think that’s a false dichotomy–what you believe in your “heart” is still part of your mental knowledge.)
I can’t help but see that often I am two men. That is, I live with an inner contradiction where on the one hand I look for and seek God’s total sovereignty over all things; but on the other hand I wish that I was in control. I know that this is the struggle of the spirit and the flesh at war in my innermost being, as Paul describes so beautifully in Romans 7. Still, while I might be able to “experience” this aspect of his letter, I would much rather “experience” the peace of Romans 5. It is obviously more pleasing to my soul.
On the way home tonight, I read Lamentations on the bus. It has brought some kind of new perspective (boy is that a scary term these days!) on my relationship with God. See, as I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I suffer from medical depression. It’s so bad that I have to take several different medications for it. Part of my struggle, naturally, is medical in nature; but there is also a very real spiritual aspect to it. Part of the spiritual fight I go through is the fact that I hate the side of me that despises God.
Yes, there is a side of me that despises Him. It hates God, and when I am emotionally down, that is the side of me that I allow to show through. I withdraw from people and run and hide. I would rather be alone and vent my anger at God, because He is God and I am not.
And yet I can honestly say that when I am feeling fine, I rest in the loving embrace of my God and my Savior. I take delight in the fact that He loves me and really does care for me. And sometimes, like tonight when my plans were so radically altered, it is difficult for me to accept the things that God has done for me. It is those times that I am left bouncing between the spirit and the flesh.
Life is a battle. It doesn’t end just because you become a Christian. And reading Lamentations (you thought I forgot, didn’t you?) showed me that even the Prophet Jeremiah was able to voice his frustration toward God. However, he did not end it with just that frustration, but was able to pen the mighty words that we have in the song, “Great is Thy Faithfulness.”
Indeed, God is faithful. And the only hope that we can have is if God is a sovereign God. For if God is not sovereign and He is not in control of these events–even so far as to determine that my “date” tonight would not go through–then I am left with a far, far worse problem then just the struggle between the flesh and the spirit. If God is not sovereign, then I have no hope at all.
