NEWS FLASH ALERT!

Michael Jackson’s condition remains stable and unchanged this week.

Police state football genius Steve McNair was murdered by the woman he was cheating with over fears that he was cheating on her.

Good news! Unemployment not as bad as feared, despite htiting record high since the Labor Department began keeping statistics in 1967! Huzzah!

Protests chanting in weird foreign language get murdered in Iran over something inconsequential and hardly worth mentioning.

New poll confirms: Michael Jackson cool!