While my Presidential campaign has mostly been snubbed by the media, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been busy making up important phrases that could be used as soundbytes in case I’m ever interviewed about it (by the way, I’ll also note that I threw in my fake candidacy far earlier than that ColberT guy did).
In any case, today I figured out my principals. You see, America has a problem. Americans are too busy torturing innocent terrorists to concentrate on the important issues (changing the Constitution so I can legally be president before I turn 35). And, as my campaign manager Steve Hays has pointed out, torture is as torture does.*
The fact is that terrorism isn’t the big scary bogey man everyone thinks it is. WE are the problem. Terrorists only terrorize us because we deserve it. We’ve tortured them after they tried to shoot us on the battlefield, and that means we are no better than they are!.
This is seen not only in Gitmo, but in our prisons across the land. It is time, my countrymen, for us to rid ourselves of prisons! There are innocent people in prison. Go ask the prisoners! They will tell you how innocent they are! In fact, my research has demonstrated that there is not a single guilty person in prison, other than those who are deluded enough to confess (but that was a violation of their Miranda right anyway).
The bottom line: we need to rid ourselves of prison. Think about it. If we imprison kidnappers, we will have stooped to their level. This is unacceptable for a morally-minded country. We will not stoop to the level of criminals!
Therefore, I propose all prisons be closed immediately and all prisoners be let free. It is the only right and moral thing to do.
Remember, hand in hand, we can take back this land with my new motto:
Equivalency(R). It’s more than just a pansy way of ethics. It’s your ticket to a brighter future!
* He didn’t say this. And he’s not really my campaign manager. This is a lie from Bush.
